One is undesirable, the unit is control.

My friend Kevin, who I’ve known since kindergarten asked jenn and I if we wanted to help move him to Florida where he would attend graduate school. Since none of my other bands could tour, it was my brilliant idea to start a band to go on tour to Florida and back. I was thinking I could be a one piece noise band but then jenn told me she could play bass and wouldn’t mind playing with me. So jenn played bass, I played drums, we both sang. I made shirts, stickers and CD’s. My friend Jason burned fifty CD’s, Scott made the covers at his work for free, and Joe and Jason got my van to run. Along with getting Kevin to Florida we would also be playing with Reina Aveja, visiting David Hayes, and viewing the Dali Museum.

Tuesday/Wednesday July 14 - 15th
So now the Unit Breed is off on our way to Las Vegas with all of Kevin’s belongings and our equipment. We left San Jose about 2 am and stopped in Fresno to get gas. It was supposed to be a quick pit stop but sure enough, the van won’t start. Our first break down, four hours into our first day. It’s the starter so we replaced it. Still, the van, or Cow Destroyer as is it’s named, doesn’t budge. The first tow truck ride of the trip and we’re on our way to a mechanic. After several hours and a hundred dollars were on the road again with a brand new starter and solenoid. The desert’s fucking hot as hell and we almost got hit by a train! We’ve been overheating and on the side of the road for about twenty minutes. OK, now we’ve got a flat tire and the AAA guy hasn’t shown up for two hours. There’s no way we’re making the show tonight in Vegas and my mom got us a free room that’s going to go to waste. AAA guy finally showed up and replaced our tire. I got to ride in the van while we were getting towed. My mom rules, a nice soft bed for the night in Vegas, too bad we’re going to get woken up in five hours and kicked out. Security knocks and phone calls later we found out our door wasn’t closed all the way. Fuckers woke us up and we all got the shit scared out of us thinking the hotel found out it wasn’t my mom staying at the hotel but a bunch of kids on tour.

Thursday, July 16th
After some gambling and fine food at the Imperial Palace buffet, we’re on our way to Arizona. It’s 9 PM and still above a hundred degrees easily. Just past the Hoover Dam, we start the celebrity name game. My feeble attempts are getting worse since I’ve practically named every Simpsons character. Gas stop in Kingman, AZ and everyone’s nervous we won’t be able to start the van again. I hate it when we’re right. The gas attendant thinks it might be the alternator. She gives us a jump and her home phone number. Looks like Kevin’s getting lucky tonight. Our new friend points us to a cheap hotel and the night’s wasted.

Friday, July 17th
Morning. We hit the nearest auto parts store and install an alternator. I’m no mechanic and Kevin and Jenn are just as mechanically inclined. After two hours, a socket set, oil, coolant, and a repair book we drive away feeling victory over the professionals. Arizona’s hot and jenn and Kevin have started the fucking name game again. Let it be known now that I’ve been the only one behind the wheel since we left and hearing the fucking name game two days straight through cooking temperatures is no picnic. But what’s that up ahead? Nothing, AZ. Yes, I’m moving here one of these days. Just a big sign and a shack to let everyone know they have just passed Nothing AZ. Don’t blink. Stop time in Wickenburg for food and gas. Not a bad choice for our one meal of the day, although a side of avocado is $2.25 which will make this my one meal over the next two days. Back on the road. Stopped in Sun City for gas, same fear of the van not starting again. Oh yeah, it doesn’t start. While jenn was waiting for me to flag down someone for a jump she gets some sex calls from the local riff raff. Big hairy guys thinking they can get some by chirping and looking tough. The guy I flagged down thinks it might be a dead battery. New battery and back on the road. We’re supposed to be in Houston tonight and we haven’t gotten through Arizona yet. Through Phoenix, we got to see some thunderstorms. Into Tucson it’s 110 and were dying. Pit stop at an old girlfriend of Kevin’s. This place is a mansion, including a gigantic swimming pool that we clogged with all the dirt we’ve been accumulating and got to take showers afterward. Kevin’s ex Tammy even made us sandwiches. It was fun seeing Kevin all giddy over this girl, she had a boyfriend and they were both playing the teasing game. On the road again and I’m seeing forks in the road and white rabbits, not to mention the praying mantis. I think it’s time for someone else to drive. Jenn takes driving position and I die in the back. During my death nap, jenn and Kev are entertained by blue lightning and then I’m rudely awakened by jenn and Kevin yelling at me to teach her how to down shift. Shit, I just keep yelling, “up down, up down” and somehow we get off the exit without dying. Apparently, the van headlights have been set on dim for a couple of hours and jenn hasn’t been able to see shit. We fill up with gas and then there’s this awkward moment everyone’s feeling as I try and start the van. Yep, van won’t start again. Another jump and a hotel in Lordsberg NM.

Saturday, July 18th
Morning. We get a jump and jenn fills me in on last night. She said during the middle of the night some tough as hell man was beating on the door. Jenn answered and the guy just seemed startled, wrong room. On our way to the local Ford dealer to find out that our regulator must be blown because we replaced everything else. No fucking van book. God damn, we searched everywhere to find out we must of left the Cow Destroyer’s home doctor kit at the gas station last night. We found it in the trash and replaced the regulator. Van started like a champ, on our way. We actually managed to drive all day into El Paso. Night’s coming around and the headlights are dimming again. The van’s running like shit. jenn turned the lights off to see what would happen. The engine roars and were going fucking fast. Kevin busts out the MagLite to light our way. The plan is - get to the next town and find a mechanic. Eight miles before the next town, some crazy trucker pulls up next to us and yells, “Get off the road! You’re going to kill someone.” I tried yelling back explaining our situation, but this man was on a mission. He replied by yelling “Get off the road you’re going to kill someone” and then drives us off the fucking road. We stall and are left stranded. So now I just got totally pissed and started walking into the dark. I got back down to the freeway and was planning on walking to the next town. Instead I walked back up where everyone was pissed at me for leaving and pushed the van down to the side of the freeway. After an hour or so of trying to flag someone down to give us a jump, this family pulls over. They help with a jump and drive behind us to light our way. Now the cops come into play. We get pulled over and the cop says something like “I’ve been looking for you guys. I got a call from a trucker.” I said something like, “yeah, we’ve been looking for you to help us get a tow truck because some trucker tried to kill us.” The cop decides it’s OK to have the family escort us to the next town, Fort Stockton, but we had to use some back road. We drive through a field to the back road, get to Fort Stockton, thank the family, and find a hotel.

Sunday, July 19th
This morning I got up at the fucking crack of dawn and started to look for mechanics. It’s Sunday and nobody’s open so we got a jump and continue on our way. An hour later the van stalled and we coasted into some rest stop. Stalled again and have been parked on the side of the road for five hours. Kevin left to the nearest town Ozona to get us a tow truck with a trucker who tried to charge our battery but failed. Jenn and I have been dying from heat exhaustion. After playing more cards than you ever wanted to play on the side of the road, I finally decide to try and start the van again and what do you know, it works, great. We don’t know where Kevin is so we wait for the tow truck to bring us to Kevin. We get towed into Ozona by a good old country boy who fills us in on his life story. He tells us how he hates people who drive slow in the fast lane and if they piss him off enough he’ll drive into their bumpers. “Feel like a frog? Then jump” our translation “If you don’t move I’ll ram my truck into your plastic car.” We find out there’s only one mechanic in town and he’s out until next week. We charge the battery and go to the next town Sonora TX. We have no luck tracking down a place that’s open at night. I’m getting pissed again and think about buying a few batteries for the MagLite so we can make our show in Gainsville tomorrow. Some guy tells us we might have a loose wire so I check every damn electrical wiring in the fucking Cow Destroyer and just end up really pissed off. The headlights still drain the battery. We barely make it to a hotel across the street.

Monday/Tuesday, July 20th - 21st
The next morning I take the van to a shop where it gets looked at. The problem - the alternator was hooked up wrong. You see I took my van to this place called Pomona where they were going to change my van’s oil pan because the plug was stripped. I go to pick my van up about a week after it was supposed to be done and it runs like shit. I mean complete shit. When started, it just screams. I curse out the owner and one of his dumb ass mechanics, who decide to threaten me with my life. So we have a few words and I finally just drive the damn thing home where I was having a going away party. Jason fixed the screaming and told me that it looked like the place forgot to disconnect the throttle cable that goes to the gas, causing it to strip out the timing gap. So back to the alternator. When I changed it I put all the plugs back how they were, how Pomona placed them. The fuckers put the plugs on wrong and blew out all the electrical stuff that I’ve been replacing on this shitty trip. The mechanic in Texas felt pity for me and only charged me ten bucks for his work, I would like to thank this guy for giving mechanics a good name. So were finally on our way and there’s no way were making the show in Ganinsville tonight. Shit, we have to drive twenty hours just to get to Tallahassee to drop of Kevin then go back to New Orleans to make that show tomorrow night. I’m really bummed we’re not making it to Gainsville. I was looking forward to hanging out with David Hayes and we would’ve gotten to play with Reina Aveja, a kick ass heavy as fuck band. Aaron Probe knows these girls pretty well and I was told they were big Ringwurm fans and I really wanted to see them and meet everybody. Through Texas, into Louisiana for dinner. Fried overpriced cafeteria food that took about an hour to get waited on and another hour to get served. Into Mississippi and those damn bunnies are running across the road again. I pull over and give Kevin his first Cow Destroyer driving exam. Kevin failed the test miserably. We’re swerving all over the road and there’s no way I’m sleeping. I’m so damn nervous I can only stare at the road we’re swaying on. About 5 minutes into the drive Kevin gets pulled over and given a warning and courtesy citation. The whole time Kevin was explaining to the cops about him being a virgin to the power of the Cow Destroyer, jenn and I were being interrogated. Guess who’s driving again. I only last a few hours. Jenn managed to take us the rest of the way to Tallahassee. We make it into Tallahassee, unload Kevin and get his phone connected, jump in the pool and leave Kevin stranded there. Fuck this sucks. My best friend, and I have to dump him off at his new home where he knows no one or the area so jenn and I can make at least one show on this damn trip. Off to New Orleans. I called Dan before we left Tallahassee and told him our tragedies and that we might be late for the show. We show up in New Orleans an hour late at some punk house with a shit load of people everywhere. I’m thinking, “Yeah, were actually going to have a good show.” I go talk to Dan and he tells me that we’re late and we can’t play. Fuck that. It’s a house show and we’re a fucking touring band. I don’t get it. Dan tries to explain by saying he needed the show over by a certain time and if we played there’s no way it would get over in time. He also mentions that he just started the bands. What the hell is that all about. If the bands have been there and you’re waiting for a band to show up and play you have one of the other bands play first. I have shows at my house and there’s no way I’m going to let a touring band come through and not play. So Dan, you get a big fuck you. Jenn and I decide to just leave and head to San Antonio where were supposed to be playing tomorrow. Oh man, we need some serious sleep. We just drove from Sonora, Texas, straight to Tallahassee, dropped off Kevin, went to New Orleans to find out our show has been cancelled and decide to drive straight to San Antonio. We tried to crash on the side of the road by some corn fields and just got creeped out, on to another site across the street and we’re getting eaten alive by mosquitoes. On the road again. The humidity is killing us, so off with the clothing. Another rest stop for mosquitoes and humidity to show us what Louisiana’s all about. Jenn takes the driver seat pushes in the clutch and some weird piece of metal falls out from the engine. Fuck it, throw it on the dash in case we need it later. Jenn stops off somewhere for coffee, huge beetles and creepy crawlys all up her legs, and by the time she gets back from the gas station I’m covered in mosquitoes and in the driver’s seat again. She parked right in the middle of a big puddle of stagnant water. I drive until the bunnies come back and look for a spot to sleep right on the outskirts of Texas. Yes, we actually fall asleep. Fuck Louisiana.

Wednesday, July 22
The next morning jenn and I wake up covered in sweat and about ready to suffocate because of the heat and lack of oxygen inside the van. Back on the road to San Antonio. We actually made it to one of our destinations on time, early even. We’re supposed to play at this Art Warehouse tonight with three other two-piece bands. The place rules and people are really cool. They set us up with free food and we got paid a bundle, too bad we sounded like shit. This was supposed to be our fourth show and what do you know, its the 1st. We’re exhausted and out of practice but still I managed to get us another show here tomorrow for some birthday party.

Thursday, July 23rd
Yes, a whole day to just hang out. We occupied our time thrift store shopping and swimming in the Guadalupe river. While we were swimming a dragonfly landed on jenn’s finger and just hung out. It was really weird, like Snow White or something. She just stuck her hand out and the thing landed and started a conversation. After a nap in the grass we went and played, I think the people working here are getting sick of us. Super nice guy puts us up for the night. Really nice guy but I can’t remember his name, big cockroaches though.

Friday, July 24th
Show in Denton, TX got cancelled. We saw a movie to keep us from melting, the X-files - Crap but amusing. On our way to Amarillo.

Saturday, July 25th
We’re greeted by a huge sign that says, “Pray like your life depends on it, because it does.” The shows in an abandoned apartment building with extension cords running from one building to another. Were playing with Pezz tonight. I’ve heard of these guys but have never seen or heard them. Nice guys and really into Plaid Retina. Strange for a pop punk band. We duct tape broom handles to buckets filled with kitty litter for mic stands while waiting for the P.A.. I also start annoying everyone by making tons of noise through my sampler. It was really funny, I started playing and all these people walked inside. They stood around for awhile watching me strum away and slowly walked outside again. We finally play and some super punk rock skin head stomps around pacing back and forth real fast. So let it be know that in Amarillo, the punks don’t Mosh or Thrash or Pit - they Pace. After the show some girl tells jenn how excited it was to see a girl in a band and how she wants to be in a band and asked if she can hitch a ride with us to California. Jenn told her to ask me, I never heard from the girl. Pezz invited us to stay at there hotel and let begin The Unit Breed / Pezz mini tour.

Sunday, July 26th
From here on out we will be playing with Pezz with one exception - today. On our way to Santa Fe, New Mexico. It’s actually not hot. The van is flying and I haven’t felt this good ever. It starts pouring rain when we get there. Jenn and I are practically dancing in it and praising NM. The show was awesome. Good bands and got paid far too much. I even sold the pac-man we had. Kevin’s parents gave us this huge pac-man thing we anchored to the top of the van to have more room to store stuff in.. The whole way back from Florida the thing has been collapsing the roof of the van and making loud banging noises every fifteen minutes. The guys from Know It All took us to their place after the show for showers and food. On the way there, we stalled, no more van problems please. Yes, it was just the timing. The altitude was screwing with the timing. Minor adjustments and we’re back on the road.

Monday, July 27th
The drive is beautiful. Sunrise and thunderstorms. We get to Tucson and hook up with Pezz at Skrappy’s. Six or Seven bands tonight. Tons of kids here, but they’re all band members. We play with Pezz, All the Answers from Canada, and some cocky ska band. Apparently All the Answers played that New Orleans show we were supposed to play. They said Dan started everything totally late and there were tons of people there around five so they could of easily played earlier. Another fuck Dan

Tuesday, July 28th
Wake up to a flat tire. I found a place right down the street to sell us a tire for fifteen bucks. I’m really broke, luckily the shows have been paying off. We play at a bowling alley in Phoenix with Pezz and All the Answers again. Brian who booked the show is really cool and was actually at the infamous Hickey “Vs” Voodoo Glow Skulls show. Like I said the show was at a bowling alley. There were two shows going on at the same time. A ska show with tuns of ska bands playing near the lanes themselves and the punk show we were playing in a room near the front. Pretty cool set up. I took jenn out for sushi and the chef was from San Mateo. He gave us free sushi after introducing us to everyone in the place as the couple from San Francisco. After the show were Las Vegas bound.

Wednesday July 29th
We slept in the van and shot off fireworks last night. Tons of falling stars everywhere. Tonight is our last show then we head home. This girl Jen, who’s setting everything up, is a huge Your Mother fan so I’m sort of scared to see how this show ends up. On the way we stopped to swim in Lake Mead. I really miss New Mexico. It’s so hot, we’re going to die. Before the show we do a little gambling. I lose the rest of my money, and proceed to Jen’s house. Pezz is already there and all we hear for about two hours from Jen and her roommate is how good looking their dog’s balls are. We play to about twelve people and take home about 32 cents between Pezz and ourselves. As a last farewell, we decide to light some fireworks off in front of the house. Out of the blue some guy pulls out this huge rocket and lights it. The fuse burns down and nothing happens. Just then, a cop pulls up right in front of the firework and rolls his window down. He says “What do you guys think this is, the fourth of July.” Then Bam, the fucking firework that we thought was a dud goes off straight at the cop car. It showers the car in green sparks from the hood, through the open window, all the way down the trunk. I mean this thing was suppose to shoot up straight and it did a fucking “Stay on target” with the cop. I thought the cop was going to jump out of his car shooting. About five minutes went by with everyone staring in a bewildered stare, when finally the cop opens his door very slowly and asks who lives there and if there were anymore fireworks. He’s in slow motion so jenn and I quickly stash the remainder of fireworks in the van. After several minutes he lets us off with a warning instead of imprisoning us for launching firearms at an officer. We say our good-byes to everyone and tell Pezz they have a place to stay when they’re in San Francisco or San Jose. Homeward bound for showers and soft beds.

Now lets go over how much Pomona Auto screwed me: An Oil Pan, Starter, Solenoid, Regulator, Alternator, and Battery. Also because of them, I didn’t get to hang out with David Hayes, Reina Aveja, or get to see the Dali museum. I had to practically toss Kevin out of the Cow Destroyer and race to a show we weren’t allowed to play. My van still leaks oil and runs like shit. So one more big Fuck Pomona and Dan in New Orleans. THE END -NOTHING-